Livin' La Vida Vodka

When I was a kid my uncle always used to make that stupid “WHO?!” joke when I would listen to The Who. He’s dead now so he got his.

(ha! I just stole my own tweet.)

I’d give anything to watch the movie Quadrophenia right now. Unfortunately, it isn’t anywhere on cable and I don’t have the dvd. :(

If we were married you wouldn’t have to eat that junk. I cook

I’m just waiting for you to get rid of Jason. Make it happen, babe!

Not to make you fall in love with me, but I just made the yummiest bowl of ramen noodles in history. See? If you married me you could be eating ramen every night!

Think about it.

I was just thinking about a television show I used to watch when I was a kid in the 70s. It was called Soap. It was a 30 minute sitcom that was a parody of soap operas. What’s funny is that when I ask people my own age if they watched it when they were a kid they all say ‘no’. Their parents wouldn’t let them watch it. Why? Because there was a character on the show (played by Billy Crystal - yes, THAT Billy Crystal) named Jody who was gay.

In 1977, when the show came out, this was considered scandalous. Especially since, relatively speaking, they didn’t treat the character as a caricature of a gay man. They actually treated the character with dignity. There was no limp wrists and lisps and mincing and other stereotypical crap that you used to see. He was actually a person.

Anyway, what’s strange to me looking back is the fact that my parents let my brother and I watch this show. Hell, they LOVED this show. They loved it because it was hilarious. Despite the fact that we’re Mexican and Catholic and, technically we should have been against homosexuality as a sexual “preference”, my parents didn’t care because that shit was funny. The show, that is. They chose funny over following the “rules”.

It’s taken me a long time but I just realized my parents were cool.

Just to let you all know, I’m letting a 5 year old girl bang on my computer and I’m using tumblr for it with an open text post box. If you see any of my posts that don’t make sense this is why.

Yes, I’ve taken to blaming children for my nonsense now.

I just tried that Cleverbot thing and I couldn’t get it to talk dirty to me. It just kept saying that it loved me. It was like my worst nightmare come true.

By the way, this is not a joke. This totally just happened.

And now my twitter wife is bad mouthing Joni Mitchell?! I’m going to have to kick her ass from both sides now!!!

Penis! There is penis on my dash! Or am I just really, really drunk?

This used to be such a nice neighborhood. 

I didn’t think you could get drunk off of margaritas but it turns out I was wrong.

and of course everyone’s answer would be ‘yes’.

Okay, so I took a shower hours ago and since then I’ve been sitting on the couch in just a pair of panties messing around on my laptop. I decided to get up to put some clothes on and it turns out that noise I’ve been hearing out my 2nd floor window is the tree guys trimming branches only a few feet away from the house. Yep. They got a clear shot of naked me.

So, I’ve done my slutty thing for the day. At least I’ve got that going for me.

A - Age: Fuck you

B - Bed size: Right now, twin, usually King size (lies. I like sleeping on couches)

C - Chore you hate: drinking hot dog water (don’t you read my tweets?!)

D - Dad’s name: Manuel

E - Essential start your day item: writing for 10 minutes

F - Favorite color: Pink

G - Gold or Silver: While gold

H - Height: 5’3”

I - Instruments you play(ed): skin flute

J - Job title: unemployed

K - Kids: none that I know about

L - Living arrangements: Lost in translation

M - Mom’s name: Elvira (do NOT pronounce it el-VY-ra. it’s Spanish so it sounds kind of like el-vee-da)

N - Nicknames: So many. Let’s just go with V

O - Overnight hospital stay other than births: I had my tonsils taken out when I was 12. Yes. I’ve suffered.

P - Pet Peeve: Scraping your teeth on your utensils. I’ve killed before, mothafucka. Don’t make me do it again.

R - Right or left handed: I have two hands.

S - Siblings: 1 brother who died several years ago (no, haurdcider is not really my brother)

T - Time you wake up: noon

U- Underwear. What? They’re clean.

V - Vegetable you dislike: try to make me eat onions and I will kick you in the hot pocket

W - Ways you run late: I should be getting my period any day now, but thanks for asking.

X - X-rays you’ve had: Bomb? What bomb?

Y - Yummy food you make: Ramen

Z - Zoo favorite: Monkeys. Throwing feces is awesome.

I hate it, hate it, HATE IT, when there’s someone I like on twitter, someone who’s a friend and I respect them and enjoy their sense of humor, and then I find out they haven’t been playing by the rules.

It’s twitter, people. None of us get paid for this. Why do things that will disappoint your friends? :(

(and no I’m not talking about that tweet thief thing)

I really only have 2 customized ringtones. For phone calls my blackberry plays Pachelbel’s Canon in D Major. When I get a DM or an @ message on twitter a bird starts to chirp or “tweet” if you prefer.

I know. Corny, right?

I can’t tell you why I’m saying this, but @donni is fucking Yoda. Not that he’s having sex with Yoda, he’s just, you know, Yoda. Also, he sees all on twitter and he knows all, so watch yourselves!

Anyway, I think from now on I’m just going to let him make all of my decisions for me and guide me along my life’s path. 

By the way, when I was listing my favorite books, I forgot to mention On the Road by Jack Kerouac. 

I’ll go on another blind date if one of you can set me up with Lenny Kravitz!

The very lovely Kelly (ISaidDont) asked for deets on my lunch date from hell, so here it goes.

As you all know, I’ve just recently moved back to Milwaukee where all of my family is. It’s been a pretty good transition and I’m mostly happy to be back. One of the biggest problems of having my family in my life again is that they try to get all in my life, if you know what I mean. They all think I should have been married ages ago and now that I’m back I think they want to make that happen. They’ve been trying to set me up on blind dates almost since day one, but I’ve resisted. Well, one of my cousins caught me at a weak moment yesterday and I agreed to have lunch with her friend. She swore “Joe” was perfect for me because he’s 45, never been married, works as an accountant, etc. I guess she figured because I used to be in banking this made us soulmates or something.

So, anyway, I agreed to meet the guy for lunch today. We met at a local place, just a nice little sandwich shop, nothing fancy. Now I hate dating anyway because I always feel so awkward and it feels so formal, but blind dates are even worse. I walked in to the restaurant and a guy in a tan suit with a comb-over stands up and comes over to me and tells me his name is Joe. Let me just stop right there. A tan suit and a comb-over. Really? I mean, I don’t mind when guys are balding, I’m not superficial like that, but a comb-over? That’s an automatic ‘NO’.

I briefly considered pretending I wasn’t “Veronica” and getting the hell out of there (his breath smelled like dirty diapers too), but I didn’t have the guts to do that so I just sat down and tried to make the best of it.

Here’s the problem with that. They guy was boring too. Because he’s an accountant and I used to be in banking he kept talking about the economy and taxes and all kinds of boring stuff I no longer give a shit about. I briefly considered faking a seizure so I could get out of there, but I was afraid he would try giving me CPR and like I said, his breath was awful.

Luckily, the lunch only lasted an hour because he had to get back to work. He has my phone number and he said he was going to call me so we could go out on a real date, but I’m hoping he had a bad time too and doesn’t call. I swear I’ll fake my own death to get out of ever having to see him again. I’m not even kidding.

My family needs to stop thinking they have to fix me up just because I’m still single. I’M SINGLE AND I LIKE IT!!!

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
3. Anne of Green Gables - L.M. Montgomery
4. The Stand - Stephen King
5. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
6. The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck
7. The Harry Potter Series
8. Undomestic Goddess - Sophie Kinsella
9. Twenties Girl - Sophie Kinsella
10. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

I also want to give an honorable mention to the Alex Cross books. I used to love them a lot when James Patterson still did his own writing.

Actually, that title is a lie. The story of how I decided to join tumblr is a pretty boring one. I joined because all of my friends from twitter were on it so I thought I’d check it out. The story or how I started on twitter/favstar is much more interesting.

I joined twitter because of Ashton Kutcher. It was around the time when he was competing with CNN for the first tweeter to get a million followers. I don’t care much for Ashton Kutcher, but the rivalry piqued my interest about the site. I joined in May of 2009 and didn’t have the slightest idea what to do with it. I didn’t tweet or follow anyone and didn’t even use my own name. I used my teddy bear’s name initially. I closed out of the site after joining and didn’t give it another thought.

In March of 2010 I decided to start using my twitter account to follow Stephen Colbert because I was completely in love with him and knew he had a twitter account (@StephenAtHome). I had just gotten a smart phone so I wanted to be able to use it. I logged on, changed the user name to what it is today and started following Stephen and other celebrities.

Quite by accident, I met a person on twitter who had been on the site for a while and knew the ropes. We became friends and she helped me to get a small following. I mostly used twitter to chat with friends, but I did throw out the occasional joke. I was always cracking jokes in real life so it just came naturally to me to be funny on twitter. In August of 2010 I sent an @ message to a celebrity and one of my favorite tweeters (@TheStevenWeber). He must’ve thought it was funny because he answered me and a couple of minutes later I got an email message saying @TheStevenWeber was following me. I swear, I almost had a heart attack. I was so shocked that he would want to read my tweets. I had been a fan of his for ages and now here he was following me on twitter. I became kind of shell shocked. What do I do now? In my head I decided that since he was following me because I said something funny, I should probably try being funny more often so that he wouldn’t unfollow me. So, that’s what I did. I started telling more jokes.

Eventually the friend who had initially helped me and I had a falling out and we stopped following each other. I wanted to stop all the @ing and just tell jokes and get a following but I had no idea how to do that. In October, I started raping other funny people’s follower lists including someone I had been following for a while @clarkekant. It was through him that I discovered favstar. I went to his “Faved By” page and just clicked ‘FOLLOW’ all up and down the first two rows. Then I went to other people’s “Faved By” pages and did the same thing. I went from following 245 people (I had 235 followers) to following over 1000. Then I started telling jokes. All jokes, all the time.

After two weeks, only about 1/3 of the people I followed returned the favor so I did a mass unfollowing of favstar people. I got lucky because some of the people who followed me back right away were @CroweJam, @donni, and @ixSEANxi (though at the time he was @not_CNN). I would say that my acceptance into the favstar community was fast and painless and I’ve always appreciated that. 

In January of 2011 I decided to join tumblr to see what everyone was doing over here. At first, I couldn’t see any use for it because I already had another blog, but eventually I came to realize that tumblr was so much more than that. Twitter is where I have to perform and be “VivaVeronica122” but tumblr is where I can be myself. Here I can be just Veronica and interact with so many amazing people. I’m not good at feelings and stuff, but you guys make it easier for me to open up and let you get a peek at my gooey inside. Yes. I have a caramel center.

So that’s my long and boring story. Maybe I should have just stopped at how I got to be on tumblr. If you’ve read all the way down to the end I can only say sorry. :)

I’m just going to go ahead and say this because I’m kind of crabby, and I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I get so sick of those people who go around saying “I don’t give a fuck”. I find it so annoying. What is it exactly that you don’t give a fuck about? Your twitter and tumblr account? Then why do it? Is it that you don’t give a fuck about what people think of you? Bullshit. If you didn’t care what other people think of you you wouldn’t be shilling for stars and hearts. Maybe it’s that you don’t give a fuck about originality since there are about 50 people saying they don’t give a fuck at any given moment. Do you think it makes you cool to not give a fuck? “Ooh! Look at me! I’m so cool because I don’t give a fuck!” Really? Is that it? Because that’s pretty lame. Does me saying all of this piss you off?

I don’t give a fuck.

I haven’t been tweeting lately because I just don’t have anything funny to say. My last tweet which I posted a couple of days ago was just something I threw out there to be tweeting and it shows. I hate it when I do that.

I was going to share funny stories with you all this week about me and my friend Michele who is probably one of my oldest friends, and the friend I’ve done a lot of my crazy stuff with, but then someone from twitter/tumblr, privately, started making really inappropriate comments about her to me and it made me change my mind. Even though there’s nothing shameful in any of the stories, I don’t want to give anyone the idea that she’s anything less than a fabulous person and a great friend. She’s not a slut or anything else negative and I won’t have people thinking that way. It’s too bad too because some of the stories are awesome.

I have a million dollar idea for a new superhero comic book that could be totally awesome, but I can’t draw so the world will probably never know. :(

I’m kind of glad my crush never figured out who I was talking about. I think crushes are more fun when they’re unrequited. I tend to lose interest in guys once they start showing interest in me. This is probably why I’m single.

Where is everyone getting all of these bags of dicks from? I know this isn’t a truth or anything, but I just really want to know. I feel like I’m missing out.

conasabi:

If you use Chrome and G+, get the Usability Boost extension. It makes the page a little easier on the eyes by separating posts on the wall into boxes of their own. 

That is way cool. Thanks for the info and the link!

I had a dream last night that I was shopping at the dollar store with my dad and I was buying clothes (yeah, clothes for $1). My dad got in the check-out line with his cart and this woman got in line behind him and hit him with her cart. I turned around and smacked her in the face. Then she hit my dad with the cart again and I smacked her a couple more times and started yelling at her to leave my dad alone and how did she like being hit. It was a really weird dream because I kept hitting this bitch in the face.

Then this afternoon I took a nap and dreamt about my father again, only this time he was joined by my mom and my maternal grandparents. We were all sitting around and I was asking them in Spanish if they were thirsty and what they wanted to drink. They all of course said “cerveza” and I went to get them some Bud Light.

The reason this is all weird to me is that my mom, dad, and grandparents are all dead and I NEVER dream about them. Well, occasionally I’ll dream about my mom, but that’s because she died only 5 years ago. The rest have been gone for ages. I wish I knew what it meant. Also, I don’t speak Spanish.

And…no one in my family would EVER drink Bud Light. 

Yay! My best friend, Michele, is going to be in town this week which means I’m going to be getting drunk this weekend like no one has seen me since the last time I went out with her. I’m so psyched. Be prepared for stories this week of our past escapades, and believe me there are a lot of them since we’ve been best friends for 26 years.

That time I didn’t know what a “chemise” was so I wore it as a dress…to work…and my office floor was all windows no walls…and it was a sunny day…

Yes. I’m really that stupid.

Yet another random story.

One night, a few years ago, I picked up a guy at a bar and spent the night at his place. The next morning I had to leave early because, well, I was sober. I was in a hurry because, once again, I was sober and didn’t want this guy to get any ideas…you know, ideas that I liked him or something. I grabbed my stuff and didn’t even bother to put my high heel sandals back on, I just left. I had looked in a mirror before I left though and believe me it wasn’t pretty; big Diana Ross hair, bloodshot eyes, the previous night’s eyeliner, etc. Not my best look.

Anyway, the guy only lived a few blocks from my apartment so I started my walk home carrying my shoes. As I’m walking down the street I noticed this other guy sitting on his porch. It was 6 in the morning on a Saturday so it was pretty early for people to be up. I could see him watching me walk down the street but I pretended I didn’t. As I got close he tried to talk to me.

Porch Guy: Hi

Me: Hi

Porch Guy: Want to come in for coffee?

Me: Uh, not today but thank you

Porch Guy: Anytime, baby!

The funny thing is that he had a kind of accent so it was like “innie tim, bah-bee”

Okay, it’s not a classic story but I always thought it was weird that I should get hit on while doing a walk of shame after sleeping with another guy when I was looking the way I did. Though I should add that I was wearing a very low cut blouse and a push up bra, so…that might explain it.

So, @haurdCider was yelling at me because he hates it when I try to talk to him about girly things like periods and stuff. He’s demanding that I make more female friends (currently most of my friends are guys). So if any of you chicks are interested please inquire within.

Some of your duties will include:

• Hearing me complain about @haurdcider

Send me a message in my askhole. Thanks. :)

I am really sad that Amy Winehouse is dead. I know she was ridiculous with her drug use and alcoholism and how she often looked like a skinny crack head who needed to bathe, blah, blah, blah, but I loved her voice and her music. It’s sad that she won’t be here any longer to make more. Really, I should be pissed because she robbed the world of her amazing talent through her selfish behaviors and not getting clean, but I can’t help being sad at a life wasted.

Note: I’m not condemning anyone who isn’t sad or making jokes on twitter about her death, that’s what we do on twitter, I’m just saying for my part that I’m really sad about her death. 

The best part about humidity is that my hair gets so curly and big it makes my impression of Diana Ross singing “Love Hangover” so much more authentic.

Well, until the humidity goes over 70% and then I have no choice but to sing the high parts in “Bridge Over Troubled Water”. (Most of you won’t get that joke.)

I’ll be there in 26 hours. Or Jason can have my house?? Wait no…you guys come live w me. I have to much room!!

So now I’m going to have 3 wives? I’m okay with that, but none of you had better start nagging me to pick my clothes up from the floor or ask me if you look fat.

Ahem. ADULTERER.

Uh oh. Now my other wife is mad.

Sorry, baby. :(

Hah! When I got it, I thought it was someone having me on because of my “I don’t want to see your nudie pics” post! I deleted it immediately. :p

You mean lolsummer69 sent you the same message? What a slut!

Shut up, butthead! :oP

I’m currently watching Single White Female featuring my twitter friend @TheStevenWeber and I’m so happy right now! If you’ve never seen this movie I highly recommend it.

I’m often surprised by some of the stuff people put on tumblr. Yes, lots of us like to have fun and post funny things, videos, silly pictures, and all of that is great, but when some of you are able to dig down deep and share really important things like feelings and life experiences it really makes me realize how amazing you all are. For every liar, poser, fake, and rude person on tumblr (or twitter for that matter) there seems to be at least 20 people who are real and genuine and kind. 

I realize I’m getting a little schloppy, and no I’m not drunk, it’s just in the past few days I’ve read so many posts that have genuinely moved me I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who aren’t afraid to share. It means so much to me that I get to be a part of that, even if I seem a little standoffish at times. I really do care about a lot of you. I just don’t always know how to say it.

I know everyone is jealous of me because I’m having chicken broth for dinner. Yeah, you wish you were me! (someone kill me)

I sent a message to someone earlier telling them about a bad internet relationship I had, but then I decided to write about an even worse one on my other blog. I was going to copy and paste it, but it’s too long. If you want to read it, here’s the link.

http://vivaveronica122.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-internet-romance.html

I know I’m going to regret putting this out there, but it’s the truth. This really did happen to me, and while I’m ashamed of parts of it (most of it) I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I hope my friends won’t judge me too harshly.

You never realize how many food commercials, cooking shows, and internet restaurant ads there are everywhere until you decide to go on a fast. I’m pretty much hating everyone who eats right now.